had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
