Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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