i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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