i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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