if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
