Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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