Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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