im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
