I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
