My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
