I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
