her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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