Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
