Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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