one two three fourrrrnication!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
