I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
