think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
