The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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