I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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