I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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