I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
