There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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