Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
