And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
