I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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