so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
