so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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