I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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