don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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