we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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