I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
