I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
