I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it's like heaven, but drunker
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
