Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
