somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
