You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
