Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
