he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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