somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
