My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough