We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."