Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
