at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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