Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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