I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
