Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
