I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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