I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
