i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
