I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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