I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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