my phone needs a breathalizer
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
