im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
