dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
