No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
