We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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