mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
