Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
