You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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