Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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